How would you see your relationship with yourself? Consistent or conditional? Supportive or destructive?
How can you tell?
Our self talk, done by our inner narrator, is a fairly reliable indicator of our relationship with self. If you could magic your inner narrator into the form of a person, would they be a friend that you’d enjoy spending time with? What type of advice would they give?
A destructive inner narrator (inner critic) indicates a conditional relationship with self. It’s mostly critical and may rely on external validation. It can be a little kinder when you’re suffering deeply (if you’re suffering just a bit, that inner critic jumps right on board to give you extra reasons why you deserve it, as well as who else you may have let down!) But if you’re suffering deeply, it’s generally kinder. Although, “kindness” by the inner critic could have you looking for numbing or escapism styles of coping that you may feel guilty for later. That inner critic may also give you a short break if you’ve achieved something that you or others deem worthwhile; although when things are going well you may also feel symptoms of imposterism, such as “that was a fluke!”
Some people believe that inner critic helps us perform better. I feel it is more likely to kick you when you’re down, as well as sucking the joy out of the times we could be feeling good.
A supportive inner narrator (lets call them your inner friend) is consistently compassionate and indicates a healthy relationship with self. It is able to treat you as a friend would. When things are going well, it allows you feel good – to be grateful for your capability, as well as for other people you’ve connected with who may have helped. When things are not going so well, your inner friend has the ability to support you with kindness, rather than layering judgement and blame on top of the struggle you’re feeling. As a result, you tend to move through difficult situations more effectively, with the belief that you are capable, and that you’ll learn something from it to be used in future.
The quality of our relationship with ourselves is a powerful force in either supporting or undermining your relationships with other people and how you interact with the world around you. If you can’t be kind to yourself, how can you genuinely give and receive from others?
Taking some steps to work with your inner narrator could help you deepen your relationship with self, while also creating a positive ripple outward.
Do you feel you and the people around you deserve to feel better? If so, here are three steps to making your inner narrator an inner friend:
- Catch the judgement. It might be name calling or self-limiting beliefs. When you say it to yourself, you feel shameful, guilty, sad, afraid or angry.
- Challenge it. Yes, you will have to argue with yourself to begin with while you get the hang of it. I’m sure it won’t be the first time you’ve argued with yourself! The difference here is that the arguing becomes less as you grow in awareness, and start being kinder to yourself.
- Reframe it. Louise Hay suggested a strategy in You Can Heal Your Life which was to speak as though you were talking to your four-year old self, which can really change the language we use with ourselves.
In practice it might look something like:
Inner critic: YOU IDIOT!
Challenge: No – in actual fact I’m not! I do make mistakes, but that doesn’t make me an idiot.
Reframe (talking to 4 year old you): You did your best – you’re OK. Let’s work through it and everything will be OK.
Simple, right? But not always easy. It is a practice, meaning it will require repetition and patience with yourself. Remember that your relationship with you governs all other relationships in your life – how willing and able you feel to give and receive. And when you look at it that way, doesn’t the world need more people in it with an inner friend, rather than an inner critic?
If you’d like some support to befriend your inner critic, as well as to live an empowered life with more freedom and enjoyment, you’re most welcome to book a kinesiology balance with me.