Healthy personal boundaries are a vital component of self-care, particularly for those who put a lot of energy into caring for others. The integrity of our personal boundaries can have more impact than you may think.  If you struggle to maintain healthy boundaries, not only do you pay a price, but so do the people you interact with.

Healthy boundaries:

Allow us to say no without carrying guilt or fear of judgement

Enable us to care for ourselves while effectively supporting others

Empower the people we love or support to set their own healthy boundaries

Signs you could benefit from strengthening your personal boundaries:

  1. You struggle to say no and undervalue your own needs and opinions.
  • You feel responsible for others and look after everyone else’s needs ahead of your own.
  • You might say things like “I don’t want to burden others with…”
  • You feel like others’ opinions are more worthy or intelligent than yours.
  • On the rare occasions you say “No”, you may feel you need to apologise for it!
  1. You feel drained by other people.
  • You are often the expert “go to” person – working long hours but feel you get little done – much of your time is spent helping others.
  • You attract needy, intense or dramatic people or relationships.
  • There may be a pattern you’ve noticed in your relationships where you hear yourself saying or thinking – “Why do other people always/never_________?!”
  1. Your self-worth is tied into how other people treat you, or what you believe they think of you. This can lead to perfectionism, trying to control the uncontrollable and an underlying current of anxiety in relating to others.
  • You accept treatment from others that makes you feel unacceptable or not enough.
  • When you’re not mentally engaged, your mind may turn to injustices you’ve experienced, or to people who have hurt or disappointed you.
  1. On a physical level, you could experience one or more of the following:
  • You store weight and lack energy
  • You experience discomfort in the eyes or ears
  • You have skin symptoms – this is our body’s physical boundary to the world outside.

When we struggle to maintain healthy boundaries, our bodies try to do it for us – to keep us safe. Our body is an incredible piece of machinery, but it works better when we pay attention to its signs early on, make adjustments and increase self-care. Many of us habitually ignore these signs until we become very uncomfortable or unwell.

5 steps to help establish and maintain healthy boundaries

  1. Start practicing the word “No.” Start with small things – it is a practice and it will take a bit of time to get comfortable with. But you will – and when you do, celebrate it!  Celebrate that you created space for you – something that will ensure you are more sustainable in your life – long-term; including how you support others.  I believe there’s no need to apologise for “No.”
  • If saying no feels too hard, try starting with “Not yet” and let it evolve.
  1. Be less available to those people you can’t (or don’t want to) establish a balanced relationship with. This will often be people who you feel ask a lot of you, but offer little of value in return. It may sound harsh, but the fact is, this dynamic lacks balance and can lead to fatigue and resentment – that’s in nobody’s highest good.

How can I be less available?

  • A good starting point is to tell the approaching person you’re in the middle of something right now (it’s likely you’re already juggling multiple things!) – ask them to consider some solutions themselves, and that you’ll check in with them in an hour (or whatever timeframe suits you best.)
  • Then, leave it at least that long, or wait for them to come back again, then ask what they came up with.
  • Support their suggested approach as closely as possible – mistakes will happen, but they are a necessary part of learning.
  • As time goes on, gradually extend the time between when they first approach (interrupt) you and when you become available to hear their and support their solution. You’ll be amazed at how resourceful and decisive people become without a safety net.

This strategy is helpful at work (with fully trained staff) and in life – family, friends, children (over about the age of 3) and partners!  It frees up your time at the same time as empowering the other person.

  1. Choose to spend time with people you feel you can maintain a balanced relationship with. This includes spending time with yourself!  We don’t always have this luxury, but when you do – choose who to invest your time with, and what you are willing to accept.
  • When you are around people that you find difficult, remember, there are two parts to communication – what is said, and how it is received: What is intended by the sender is not always what we receive.  How other people speak to us is much more to do with them (and their insecurities) than it is about you. You are not responsible for others’ behaviour, or their happiness.
  1. Pay attention to your body’s signs – not just the symptoms mentioned above; if something feels off or “not quite right” – pay attention to it and consider what your body may be trying to keep you safe from. Allow this awareness to guide your choices.  and increase self-care, however that looks for you.
  2. Finally, choose to do one thing every day to care for you. This may be to move your body, to meditate, to create a nourishing meal that you enjoy, to have a nap; to read, write or research something that lights you up.  One thing that fills your cup. More if you can!

When we take some simple steps to support healthy boundaries, we prioritise our own wellbeing.  When we do this, everything in life can become easier. We will still make mistakes, and we’ll overcorrect – but we give ourselves the best chance to move through difficult times and bounce back more easily.  And, other people in your life also get to share the benefits.

Healthy boundaries empower us to honour our own values, let go of perceived judgement and to truly be there for ourselves, as well as those we want to support. I have so much more to say on healthy boundaries – why we can struggle with them and how we can move forward with less stress and more ease.

If you could benefit from some support with your personal boundaries to live an empowered life with more freedom and enjoyment, you’re most welcome to book a kinesiology balance with me.